28 January

1.34pm

Could I do it?

Could I just give up? Right now? Say goodbye to life?

It feels that way today, challenging like never before. It reminds me of the wind up character in the movie Hugo. Its like someone, who? has taken my inner most workings and I am left flapping like a fish out of water, struggling to breath, muscles as weak as, well very weak. A journey today had to be cut short after we set off, thats a first, back home, into bed and trying make myself comfortable. Not at all easy. I lay, covered by a duvet in the midst of summer, a clear blue sky and sun shining. I was freezing. My legs cold and I lay in all sorts of position, sitting, reading, tried a bit of writing. Nothing. Lying with my mind struggling to keep an even keel, looking out the window, gazing off.

I got up finally and tried to work a little. I sat in the sun with The Sea of Cortez lying unopened. I worked on the computer wasting an hour on Facebook and stuff. I managed to communicate with PatientsLikeUs, updated my profile and enjoyed a smile. I was going to say, laugh, not today, I can smile, a laugh is a bit beyond me. Muy lovely Emily is over on the other side of the island, muy lover needs space and fellowship, I can only imagine how this is affecting her. Tough, bloody tough. It saddens me. We were meant to grow old together and enjoy our life of gardening, family, friends and working at our creative projects. Now? Not for one moment am I suggesting this wont be but today it feels the absolute opposite to that dream. One day at a time, life lived in the absolute moment.

Be gentle dickie I hear friends call to me. One soft slow step at a time. Dont stress, exert, overdo. Mindfulness.

The Pogues, love their raunchy music and rollicking style. Background music as I sit and type whatever comes to me, dont think dick, just do dick. Maybe that is my new mantra. Dickster :)

Dick is not an abbreviation I have allowed too many people to call me, just a handful of very close friends, term of endearment, intimacy that works :) nearly got a laugh that time. My glasses perch precariously on my nose as I write. I have ordered new lenses, they should arrive this coming week but for now I am limited to slip sliding frames that perch on my nose and I continue to push them back so I can actually see what the hell it is I am saying. Emily is on her way back from the beach. We were meant to have dinner with friends in Wellington tonight, lunch and dinner tomorrow with friends. Whew! Too much or am I being anti social, a bit of both methinks. Bugger me, this is challenging but here I sit doing what I love, tapping at keys. Sense? Non Sense? Who knows, I sure dont. Doesnt matter. Beats the hell out of sitting brooding I guess.

Off to my right sits the imagery of great photographers of today and years gone by, Dorothea Lange, Vivian Maier, Doisneau, William Eggleston, Walker Evans, Henri Cartier-Bresson, Joseph Sudek, Atget, Avedon et al. Books upon books upon books. A huge impact on my life has Photography. As a teenager I fiddled and talked, in my twenties I fiddled with some professionals but mostly the influence of photographers on my life came through my film editing where photographers became moving image makers, directors, some of a very high calibre. Their eye, their style, their images certainly had a huge influence and I loved the experience. Does my work today reflect that influence? No idea to be honest. I simply like to capture what I see, wherever it may be. I am no technician, certainly not a professional. I love cameras, especially the elegant simplicity as Leica portrays. I own 3 Leicas, including the latest greatest digital version. And lenses :) I have splurged and eaten my savings on Leica glass. Glorious. Do my images justify such an outpouring of resources? I have no idea!

My money would have gone on restaurants and clothes if it werent for my gear. Healthy choice.

Leaning back in my seat I feel my body quivering with muscle twitching and my glasses sliding to the tip of my nose. Now that has to be a humorous image for one who has sat in editing seats all over the world, all times of day, without a though that, one day, it would all come to a screaming halt. And yet! And yet, as I write that I am reminded that all my writing heroes died in there early sixties and hear I am approaching my seventies :) I could have died, and many do, at any moment along the way. Gratitude old son, gratitude. I am doing fine. Fuck my fingers, I will tape them together and keep on typing when they bend and stiffen as they do at times. Painful.

I just now found an email from my dear friend Rosemary who passed away last year with cancer. She said Enjoy Richard. . . I miss you, however, I can hear you through your emails as though you were sitting in a meeting across from me. Rosemary sent me the 3^rd Step prayer and the 7^th Step Prayer from AA and Al-Anon. God bless you Rosemary, I am not far away. Amen XO

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